Hey Angel Face,You being gone sucks more than I can ever express, one of the best explanations I saw likened it to losing a limb, you're used to it always being there and then all of a sudden it's gone but no matter how long it's gone you still feel as if it is there sometimes.
As I said last time, days can be so normal, the big stuff generally takes care of itself and the Squidge is the same old wrecking machine with added "Terrible Two's" attitude (She totally gets her stubborn streak from you, thanks for that!) It's the little things that make me stop or cause the twinge in my chest, like when the Squidge see's a photo of you and shouts "mummy!" or says "mummy's pretty" boy am I not looking forward to that conversation when she's able to understand...
Tough decisions, every day it seems like there's a new one, difficult conversations, life changing decisions and of course Squidge decisions. Had to have a difficult conversation which I wasn't expecting to go well but it actually went much worse than I expected when this person did something I would never have expected, they lied about you, directly to my face. I can tolerate many things but even now, days later I find the rage bubbles up even just thinking about it, for anyone to do that is crazy to me but the person that actually did it? It's nothing short of a betrayal and had you any idea you would have been utterly livid, especially as I, and the people who matter agree, said nothing that wasn't true or that you would have been mad or uncomfortable with. Where it goes from here is in their hands... There are a few life changing decisions, the biggest being is where the Squidge and I are going to live, I feel like that's going to take up a great deal of my time going forward. Squidge decisions are some of the hardest, it always seemed like you had all the answers when it came to her, I know you'd totally tell me that you didn't know what you were doing but I'd tell you that's bollocks, and I'm trying to guess what or how you would do things
So Internet rage... there's a popular website that has a place for grief support and I may have got slightly ragey at someone who decided to mention karma... Where was your karma? You don't deserve to not be here with the people who loved you most, you don't deserve not to see your daughter grow up. She doesn't deserve to grow up without you, what did she do to deserve ME as her only parent?! Poor little Squidge!
I miss you Elizabeth, those who loved you miss you. We'll never forget you
(Song choice, last song I listened to
before Elizabeth picked me up before our first date)
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