Grief

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

These are the supposed "5 stages of grief"

Talk to almost anyone who watches television and they'll recognise some form of this from a show they watch, for me it's the episode of Scrubs, My Five Stages, in it J.D. and Dr. Cox go through the five stages of grief with their favourite patient, Mrs. Wilk, who is declining in health.

Let me tell you something about the 5 stages of grief,

It is 

B
O
L
L
O
C
K
S

Now I'm not saying it won't be that way for some people but it is portrayed as the way grief should be dealt with and I believe that can be very damaging as we all process death and loss much in the same way as we process everything, differently

I for one have never dealt with denial or bargaining, I can't deny Elizabeth died, it happened, I was there and who can I bargain with? God? HA! I gave up believing in fairy tales long ago

Anger and Depression though, they my two new best friends. I hate them both but like a bad smell they are determined to linger and they don't take turns or go away afterwards. I have been angry multiple times in the last five months, sometimes at people, sometimes at myself, lots of times at completely random objects. The tin opener broke on me a few weeks ago whilst I was halfway through opening a tin and boy did I have a good ten minutes where I hulk smashed that useless thing until it was in multiple pieces and my hand was sore

Acceptance... I don't think I'll ever get there, how am I supposed to accept this? I'll never get to hold her hand again or smell her hair as she snuggles close to me in bed, I'll never get to see the look of pride on her face as Guenhwyvar does something new. I even miss the way she would get so annoyed at the smallest things and I just don't think I'll ever accept that she's not here to do those things or any of the other many things that made me love her so much.

We don't talk about death enough, we're all so terrified by our own mortality that we shut it out. We may not have to deal with our own death but those we leave behind do, I'm not suggesting long depressing conversations about funerals and the meaning of life but we all go at sometime and burying our heads in the sand hasn't worked so far so maybe it's time to change the way we think about it all.

Hi Angel Face

I stood at the sink this afternoon doing some washing up and I started crying, hard. It was the hardest I've cried in a few months. There was no reason, no song that reminded me of you, nothing remotely sad to set me off but I bawled my eyes out like my wife had just died, oh wait...

Seriously though, as I said last time I haven't had enough time to myself to process this and right now I just want to wallow a little and be sad, you were everything I ever wished for and I'm really feeling your absence right now. Three years ago we were in Tenerife, we'd just found out you were pregnant and our life was pretty damn good and today I spent my fourth straight day without leaving the house, I think The Squidge is getting cabin fever!

I do my best to avoid interacting with people, you know me, I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me but you didn't get annoyed with me or force me to go to places/things I didn't want to. If I did go to something with you 95% of the time it was just because I wanted to spend the time with you and you luckily had a handful of friends who I actually liked, who have all contacted me at various stages and I have been terrible at replying to them, got some apologies to make to them.

Love you Angel Face 😘😍

This came on in the delivery suite when Elizabeth was in labour with Guenhwyvar

and we both instantly loved it!

A tremendous cover of a fantastically written song