Broken

Hi Angel Face,

I've sat down a bunch of times in the past week to write something but every time I have walked away from the keyboard having either typed a few words or nothing at all. I've never been the greatest person at articulating my thoughts and feelings, it was one of the most underrated things about you, you had a knack of knowing what I meant even through my incoherent ramblings! But being unable to get anything out but not knowing why was really having a negative affect on me but laying in bed last night I realised what was stopping me,

Quite simply, I'm broken and I really don't know how to not be

For the past five months I've put on the brave face and dealt with the avalanche of shit that has descended on me since your death, I filled the forms in, made the phone calls, waited for responses/decisions, chased responses/decisions and I've done all this whilst trying to be a parent, something that, no matter what everyone tries to tell me, I've been failing miserably at. I have done nothing fun or exciting with The Boy when he comes here, I've been content to just let him spend the overwhelming majority of the time in his room on his Xbox because it's easier for me.

The Squidge doesn't know what has happened, seriously if you walked through the door this afternoon her reaction would be exactly the same as it was before, she'd shout "MUMMY" then run and fling herself at you. I made a really conscious effort in the early weeks to keep everything as normal as possible for her and I think I did an alright job at it but as time has gone on I feel like I'm just doing the basics and honestly sometimes barely managing that. She's fed and has clean clothes, well for about five minutes until she finds some way to get herself dirty, but I don't interact enough with her, I'm short tempered with her and let stupid little things she does irritate me way more than I should, she's two for goodness sake, doing stupid things is a toddlers job! She's having a nap right now but I've cleared the floor in the lounge and after she has some lunch I'm going to get the paints out and we're going to get messy. It's a small step but I know she'll enjoy herself

What I've not done in the past five months is take any meaningful time for myself, sure I've had days where The Squidge stayed out and I've done things either on my own or with others but they are barely sticky plasters over a gaping wound, I feel normal for a short while but the the darkness descends on me again and the despair of living without you gnaws away at me. I never feel guilty for trying to enjoy myself but not being able to talk to you about it afterwards crushes any enjoyment I felt.

The best way I can emphasise how I'm affected by everything is by explaining that in the past 10 days I've watched Rangers reach a cup final and beat a team who were Champions League quarter finalists last year and telling you that I barely reacted to either win, you commented a few times that you envied the passion I had for Rangers but it just seems so "meh" now. It's all meaningless without you, hell I even take it back when I said I'd choose bacon over you!

I need some time away, preferably in a remote location with no distractions where I can find an empty field and scream or a room where I can curl up in the fetal position and lose myself in the blackness for a while but I've been saying this for months now and there's constantly a handful of things at all times that's stopping me being able to do it. Obviously there's The Squidge, I can't just leave her own her own with a weeks worth of cheese, the stupid little admin stuff that still hasn't been sorted because other people, people who would say that they loved you and only want the best, are holding up for reasons that may sound reasonable to them but when held up against any normal person logic are quite frankly shoddy at best, reasons that where you here to listen to would make you livid. Livid but not surprised (Yeah, I know you are reading this, though it seems a tad hypocritical seeing as you wouldn't answer my calls and have blocked me from contacting you...)

I'm broken and some of the pieces have been lost forever, I'll never be "fixed" I do wish I had the chance to sort through the pieces

Love you Angel Face 😘😍
(I know I incoherently rambled but you'd get it, and fix it)

Oh, by the way I've decided that I'd have dropped enough hints about the Lego® 1989 Batmobile that you would have bought it for me so I'm gonna do that... Thank you 😁

In honour of MCR reuniting and me clearly not being okay...

Hell if you can't watch this video and listen to the lyrics and relate then you are obviously a lizard person